White women black men dating: Become A Good Listener

Sometimes white women looking for black men are so caught up with their excitement about interracial dating, that they forget basic dating rules. The same goes the other way around of course. Their first time on an interracial date people tend to be either too shy or way to talkative, trying to tell the other person all about their cultural background and exotic genes. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is true that being exotic might have something to do with your charm, but do not self-indulge too much! Being a good listener is much more important on a first date.

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Allow enough time

Some people can start a discussion in seconds. Others need more time and they might need more time to reflect on their answers as well. If you date black men and they are quiet, it might be the easy thing to do to just take over the discussion. Soon enough, it will be only you talking and the date will turn into a monologue. Especially if your date is naturally shy, they will quickly get comfortable in a situation like that. But how are you going to get to know them, then?

Ask meaningful questions

If you met your date online, you probably already know the basics about their life, like their family status, profession and where they come from. On your first date try and ask meaningful questions that show you are really interested in the person sitting next to you. You can ask about their ambitions, childhood memories, their favorite way to spend their free time, what they love and hate about their job, what is their favorite holiday destination and why. Do not just settle for a one-word response, but ask them to elaborate. And listen carefully, of course!

Concentrate

The difference between hearing and listening is that when you listen to someone, you can recall what they told you. How many times have you been on a date and because you were bored or too excited, you were not really focused on what your date said? Really focusing on the answers of your date will help you a lot in the following dates. Think of how disappointed you would be if you mentioned your mother's or brother's name to someone and they kept asking “Who is that?”. If you really see a potential in this first date, then you need to put the effort to really get to know them through the little things.

Do not interrupt

This is basic good manners, but we fill the need to stress its importance even more, when it comes to dating. Interrupting will discourage any shy person from talking to you and it can irritate everyone else. No matter how bored you are, keep it to yourself. Maybe if you leave the person talking a bit more time, the story will become more exciting. Or not. But you will never know if you interrupt them!

Don't be all “I know what you mean. I have been there!”

Keep in mind that everyone experiences life through their own perspective. If your date has been robed and you have been robed too, it was probably a very different experience. And if someone decides to share something personal with you, you need to listen to them and, if you feel like it, support them. Making it about you only shows that you are selfish. This is a very common misunderstanding, as many people feel that the “I know what you mean” line brings people closer. Maybe, but only after your date has finished their story and their feelings about it.

Becoming a good listener takes some practice, but it is very rewarding, not only when it comes to dating, but also in a work and familycontext. Good luck!

Interracial Dating: follow your heart, not social expectations

Interracial dating has many positive aspects. You get to know people from another race and possibly culture and they can introduce you to a whole new universe of ideas, beliefs, traditions, smells, tastes, places... The list is endless really. White women dating black men for the first time often find themselves being surprised by all the extra bonuses of getting out of their comfort zone and dating outside their race. The same happens the other way around as well. And this is why more and more people stop hesitating and try out interracial dating.

If you want to date black men or white women though, you need to be prepared about the reactions of your social environment. People some times find it hard to accept that you prefer someone from another race to be your partner. This can be due to racism, due to fear of the unknown or due to the simple fact that they wish you would pick them. The social pressure can be huge for some people, which leads them to abandon their dreams of interracial dating before they even start. Following we will see some ways to help you follow your heart instead of succumbing to the social pressure.

Listen

The first step to any good and fruitful discussion is to listen to one another. It is possible that the person you are talking with won't do much listening. So it is your task to listen to them and find out why they are so upset about your decision to date outside your race. If you try to reply to every little sentence or insult they throw on the table, it will end up being a fight, not a discussion.

Think

Think before you talk. If you have just announced to your parents that you want to date white women and they are freaking out about it, listen what they have to say and do not reply immediately. Think about their worries and concerns first. Do they really complain just about their skin color or do they see other qualities in her personality that bother them? When people make comments that make no sense mixed with valid comments, often the last ones lose their value. It takes practice to be able to evaluate your family's comments before disregarding all of them as racist. Here is a small example “She is white, you don't match!” is not a valid, useful comment. But “I don't like that she is drinking so much” or “I did not like the way she talked to us” might be valid comments that you should think about. So ask people to give you some time to reflect on what they said and promise to come back to them. This shows that you value their opinion and also allows you to consider their observations, whether you like them or not.

Talk

If you have done the listening and thinking and you are sure that you want to date outside your race, it is time to make that clear to your friends and family. Start out by mentioning any of their comments that you found useful. You can, for example say that “Mom, I think you are right that our future children might be bullied at school BUT this is why we all need to fight racism together”. This way you show your family that you really listened to what they said and have thought of solutions or ways to deal with the challenges.

Be clear

Be clear that no matter what your social environment thinks, this is your life, you only have one and you are planning to live it the way you want. Make it clear that you understand where their concerns are coming from and that you are willing to help them if they want to educate themselves. Do not however let them believe that this is some kind of phase that you will grow out of. Your family and friends need to understand that if you choose to date black men (or white women) it is is your own business, since you are not harming anyone or doing anything illegal.

Don't make it personal

No matter how disappointed you are by the criticism that you are getting, do not argue on a personal level. Yes, your aunt might have gotten a bad divorce while married with someone from her race, but using that as an argument is both mean and immature. Relationships might or might not work out, despite of race. They are hard work, no matter what place on Earth your partner comes from.

Focus on the positive side

Instead of insisting that your family and friends are wrong in wanting you to date inside your race, be positive and explain why you want to date outside of it. If there is a specific person that you are dating, explain how they make you feel, why you like them, how you think that they can make you happy. Positive words are much more powerful than negative. Replace “You are wrong, because...” with “I feel I would be happier, because...”.

Keep in mind that if it is your boss who is giving you a hard time because of your interracial relationship, you can deal with them on a legal basis. Discrimination based on sex, race and disabilities is illegal. If you live in a country where such laws do not exist, then you can keep your personal life private and keep fighting against racism after your office hours.

Overcoming difficulties: the added challenges of interracial dating

Love is love and race, color or culture should have nothing to do with it. Unfortunately that is not how things are, as any woman who decided to date black men (or man who decided to date white women) can assure you. Interracial relationships can be full of pleasant surprises and excitement, but they do come with some added challenges. Often, these challenges have to do with social pressure. But other times they come from within the couple. Accepting that not all days will be perfect, when it comes to interracial dating, can help you prepare yourself and discuss with your date or partner how you can overcome possible obstacles.

Challenge: Your family does not approve interracial dating in general.

Solution: Try to talk with your family and find out why they object you going out with people from outside your race. Are they influenced by the negative stereotypes? Are they afraid that you will forget your own cultural background? Are they just plain racist? (I am sorry, but these people are also out there). Based on what it is that bothers them, try to comfort them and explain to them why their fears are not based on rational reasoning. Sometimes people are just scared of the unknown while others they are just stuck with their opinion and won't change it. If your family belongs to the second category, you need to realize that this is your life and in order to live it the way you want, you might disappoint some people. And that is OK.

Challenge: Your family does not like the specific person that you are dating.

Solution: If you believe that this is just because of his/her race, confront your parents about it. Do not be aggressive, but illustrate how your date is different from the negative stereotypes. You can even try and describe your partner to your parent, without mentioning his/her skin color. It could be something like this: “He works at.... He loves his parents, has a younger sister and likes sports. He grew up in.... and he studied in...He treats me in a great way, loves me and makes me feel secure”. All parents love to hear that their child is in such a relationship. You can then mention his cultural background and honestly reply to any questions regarding it. If your parents have concerns unrelated to race, do hear their comments and reflect on them.

Challenge: You are afraid on how your friends/colleagues will react.

Solution: If your friends are judgmental of your interracial partner, then maybe you should consider finding more open-minded friends instead. On the other hand, they might be worried just because of all the challenges that you will have to face, in which case you need to show them that you have thought this through and are willing to work on your relationship. When it comes to colleagues, first of all, they do not need to know about your private life. Secondly, if you get verbally harassed for your decision to dateblack men/white women, you can ask your boss to step in and explain the no discrimination policy of the company.

Challenge: Your partner is worried about how their family will accept you

Solution: When white women and black men start a relationship, both parties feel the social pressure. Even if your family is open and accepting, your partner might be worried that his/her family won't react in the same way. Often, they won't even feel comfortable to express this worry to you, but if you are a bit observant, you will understand that something is bothering them. Offer to discuss with your partner how they want you to handle a first meeting with their family. Ask about things they like and things they hate. This way, if they are black and religious and you are white and atheist, you can avoid religion-related discussions and make sure you don't add insult to injury. You can also choose to be vague about things that you know could cause a conflict. By asking your partner how you can help their family accept you, you show how much you care and it is going to be really appreciated.

Challenge: You and your partner have communication issues

Solution: Having a different cultural background means that one person might take some things for granted, while the other not. Your partner might feel that it is just fine for his family to come and go into your house without calling first. You might feel that it is OK to go out with your girlfriends without letting him know. He might feel that you should both attend church, even if you are not religious. You might feel that he needs to do some of the cooking, even if he never did it at home. Issues become even more complex, when it comes to raising kids together. The only solution to this challenge is to talk. Talk about every little thing that bothers you and find a way to compromise. Make sure that you both feel you are working equally hard for the balance of your relationship. And do not forget to thank the other person, when they propose new ways to solve your differences.

As long as you and your partner share core values and are willing to work out minor or bigger challenges, you can do it. The only tools you need are understanding, patience and communication. And forgiveness as well, since no one is perfect. You can make it work, if you want it!