Interracial dating has many positive aspects. You get to
know people from another race and possibly culture and they can introduce you
to a whole new universe of ideas, beliefs, traditions, smells, tastes,
places... The list is endless really. White women dating black men for
the first time often find themselves being surprised by all the extra bonuses
of getting out of their comfort zone and dating outside their race. The same
happens the other way around as well. And this is why more and more people stop
hesitating and try out interracial dating.
If you want to date black men or white women though,
you need to be prepared about the reactions of your social environment. People
some times find it hard to accept that you prefer someone from another race to
be your partner. This can be due to racism, due to fear of the unknown or due
to the simple fact that they wish you would pick them. The social pressure can
be huge for some people, which leads them to abandon their dreams of
interracial dating before they even start. Following we will see some ways to
help you follow your heart instead of succumbing to the social pressure.
Listen
The first step to any good and fruitful discussion is to
listen to one another. It is possible that the person you are talking with
won't do much listening. So it is your task to listen to them and find out why
they are so upset about your decision to date outside your race. If you try to
reply to every little sentence or insult they throw on the table, it will end
up being a fight, not a discussion.
Think
Think before you talk. If you have just announced to your
parents that you want to date white women and they are freaking out
about it, listen what they have to say and do not reply immediately. Think
about their worries and concerns first. Do they really complain just about
their skin color or do they see other qualities in her personality that bother
them? When people make comments that make no sense mixed with valid comments,
often the last ones lose their value. It takes practice to be able to evaluate
your family's comments before disregarding all of them as racist. Here is a
small example “She is white, you don't match!” is not a valid, useful comment.
But “I don't like that she is drinking so much” or “I did not like the way she
talked to us” might be valid comments that you should think about. So ask
people to give you some time to reflect on what they said and promise to come
back to them. This shows that you value their opinion and also allows you to
consider their observations, whether you like them or not.
Talk
If you have done the listening and thinking and you are sure
that you want to date outside your race, it is time to make that clear to your
friends and family. Start out by mentioning any of their comments that you
found useful. You can, for example say that “Mom, I think you are right that
our future children might be bullied at school BUT this is why we all need to
fight racism together”. This way you show your family that you really listened
to what they said and have thought of solutions or ways to deal with the
challenges.
Be clear
Be clear that no matter what your social environment thinks,
this is your life, you only have one and you are planning to live it the way
you want. Make it clear that you understand where their concerns are coming
from and that you are willing to help them if they want to educate themselves.
Do not however let them believe that this is some kind of phase that you will grow
out of. Your family and friends need to understand that if you choose to date
black men (or white women) it is is your own business, since you are not
harming anyone or doing anything illegal.
Don't make it personal
No matter how disappointed you are by the criticism that you
are getting, do not argue on a personal level. Yes, your aunt might have gotten
a bad divorce while married with someone from her race, but using that as an
argument is both mean and immature. Relationships might or might not work out,
despite of race. They are hard work, no matter what place on Earth your partner
comes from.
Focus on the positive side
Instead of insisting that your family and friends are wrong
in wanting you to date inside your race, be positive and explain why you want
to date outside of it. If there is a specific person that you are dating,
explain how they make you feel, why you like them, how you think that they can
make you happy. Positive words are much more powerful than negative. Replace
“You are wrong, because...” with “I feel I would be happier, because...”.
Keep in mind that if it is your boss who is giving you a
hard time because of your interracial relationship, you can deal with them on a
legal basis. Discrimination based on sex, race and disabilities is illegal. If
you live in a country where such laws do not exist, then you can keep your
personal life private and keep fighting against racism after your office hours.
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